i'd promise myself that i will never cry over you again.but still,i end up crying everytime i talk to you.you know what?you've changed...and it's not a good thing.i know that i may not be a good daughter to you,and i admite that you are more like "mom-with-benefit" to me.but now...everything is not the same.i know that you've hurt so much last times and you want to move on.and so you think that living with her gave you the freedom that you wanted.but still,i know what is really happening.yes i know,she always call you,say that she loves you and she even hugs you. and you see that as a good daughter.but believe me,i know the real her.
you don't believe it?fine...it's your choice.i can tell as much info about her if you want to and then you will decided whose the real fakers are.at least i go real with my own feelings.yes, i don't and can't love you and don't ever ask me why.but still i'm being honest.but her??pffhh....yeah right,she did this and that.okay,don't get me wrong,i'm not saying that she's a bad women.not,she's not because she is also my siblings,just so you know,the feelings that you have for her now is nothing.
if you wanna compare her with the other siblings,you may said that she's an angle,more like she is the only person in the world that love you.you're wrong.i dunno whether you know this or not,but do you know the real reason on why did angah transfer to slim while she can makes tons of money is she continue stays in sabah?it's because of YOU!..she wanted to take care of you that's why she came back to perak.and you told me that she doesn't even invite you to her new home?you know why?it's because she is living with her friends.she told me before that she's planning on searching for a proper house and bring you and ain to stay with her because she knows her responsibility as the eldest child so well.she may act like she doesn't care about you,but she hurt so much everytime she did it.
i know about the news that awang kick you from his house.to tell you the truth,i dunno whether i should believe it or not.because we all know your condition plus i can't really believe you anymore.i wanted to ask,but still i don't want to be intefere.andak ask me once,who should i really believes regarding to this matter but i can't answer him right away.but the truth is,i don't believe any of you because i don't really know the TRUTH.it's hidden somewhere and i still can't figure it out.
just so you know,everyone except me is actually loves you.but they have their own ways of telling it or expressing it.they may seem rude to you but they have no choice.they don't want anything else in this world execept for your love.they need you,they need you to love them just like before when daddy is still around.you told me that everyone is acting weird,more like everybody is changing.again,the truth is,you are the one who is changing.you can compare their loves to you before and after you're sick.it's totally different.and do you know how happy andak,awang and k.erma are when you cook for them?i'm not there but still i can feel how happy they are.they are so happy that you are getting back to your oldself,althought i doesn't botter me at all,but still it's a good thing for them.
MOM,for once,i'm begging you.please open your eyes and see the real world.it's actually not the one that you are in right now.sometimes happiness is not the reality. i'm not saying that everybody else is a bad guy,but i just want you to know that all of them are really loves you.whether you believe it or not,i'm not forcing you.i don't know your condition right now,but i think you must be happy since that you can now stay with your "daughter"....but i just wanna remind you that things can change in a second.no,i'm not saying that she's a bad daughter because i loves her so much and i don't want neither of you to get hurt,but still,it's not something that you should be ease at.
i've stated this for so many times,but still i want to tell you.i know that there's no way you or any of the family members gonna read my blog,moreover this blog.but i wanted to tell you....
THANK YOU....
- thanks for bringing me into this wonderful world,letting me know the real life is.
- letting me know the only daddy and man that ever stay in my heart and love him like crazy.
- for giving me a perfect education,for letting me stay in this wonderful family.
- for giving me a baby brother that i treasure more than anything else.
- for taking care of me when i'm sick back when i'm still a baby.
- for giving me a cute face and petite body.
- for letting daddy to gave me this wonderful name.
- i can't think of anything else but THANK YOU for all that you have done to me.
but there's something that i want to say SORRY for...
- sorry for i can't love you back as much as you do.
- sorry for hurting your feelings with my stupid words.
- sorry for not really taking care of you when you where sick.
- sorry for hating you after all that you've done to me.sorry for feeling afraid of getting married after i saw how you treat daddy when he is sick.
- sorry for lying to you that i believe you 100% since the truth that i don't.
- sorry for i can't be the daughter that you want me to.
- sorry for not being as smart as my brothers and sisters.
- sorry for letting my anger out and end up breaking things.
- sorry for stealing daddy's love,i know that is something that you can't forgive me about.
- sorry for putting your first name for your number in my phonebook.
- sorry for always talking and acting coldly when i'm with you.
- sorry for destroying all your flowers whenever i'm mad.there's sooo much more that i wanted to say,but i can't continue typing because my hands are trembling right now since i cried so much while writing this entry.
you don't need to know everything,just i want you to know 1 things.everyone loves you and they have their own ways of expressing it.and once again,SORRY for not being able to love you back.i'm really sorry......
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